I don’t know what happened. It didn’t dawn on me until after 9pm that Linda died a year ago. It was after I talked to Brian. When he said it was a hard day for him, I just thought it was a monthly anniversary. It wasn’t until Shannon told me that I realized that it was the year anniversary. Not sure how I could of missed that.
I guess I am still at the “Oh, I have to talk to Linda about this!” “Linda will think this was funny!”. “Linda will understand!”. “Linda will have insights about this!” stage. Those moments do not fall on the 2nd day of the month or on a yearly date. They fall when ever there is a hard moment, an exciting moment, a moment I want to share or a time I need a connecting time. The tears still come the same way as the beginning. I am still making “Tear Soup.”.
I think of that phone call from my oldest cousin Brian. I truely thought it was something about my Aunt Ellie. Oh, when he spoke those words that it was Linda that died, my world really took a tilt. I still remember like it was yesterday. The grief is still as bad; just not as often.
Still to this day, it doesn’t make any sense. What I know is that Linda fought a good fight. She felt the hard and so struggled with those hard things. It was really hard for her to let go of them but she worked on it all the time. God took her home and she doesn’t have to do the hard anymore. I am grateful. There will be no one that can really replace her and I have stopped looking. I am getting better at going to God with the moments that I want to share; whether they are hard, fun or just plain interesting. Someday when it is my time, others will read my journals and see the struggle and the work that I put in too and know that I am in that heavenly place where there is no hard. They will see daily victories as I have laid all the hards at God’s feet. I don’t have to go anywhere else because God has got this. Just like always. Love you Linda and I miss you.